You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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