hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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