im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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