I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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