grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
