I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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