he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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