Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
