You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
