I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
