I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
