Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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