I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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