We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
