just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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