They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
