Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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