We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
