I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
