The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
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I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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