Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
