i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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