i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
