Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
pray to the hookup gods
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
