1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
