i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
