Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
