I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
