dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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