she woke up with a sticky ear
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
