2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
