Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
