saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
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