i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
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Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
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In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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