Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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