I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
