I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
