Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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