I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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