I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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