mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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