I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
