life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
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Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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