took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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