I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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