Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
