kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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