she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
