Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
