I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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