Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
