Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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