Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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